Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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