Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
