I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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