I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
