Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
