girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
