Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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