..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
