omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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