I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Randomize
