I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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