Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Ketchup is God's man juice
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
