Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
