...so i touched it.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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