Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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