I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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