So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
