I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
