I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just saw 2 very young girls abandon baby buggys in the Xwalk to fight. Gotta love Holyoke.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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