Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize