Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Randomize