apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
