Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
