He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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