I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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