I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
