So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
