I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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