I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
