You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I supernannyed him into submission
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
