We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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