Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is the prime rib incident all over again
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
