i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Randomize
