He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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