i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize