My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
