I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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