I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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