My sheets look like a crime scene.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
