She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
