2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
