rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
