when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
