Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
