I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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