I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
