is your mom at the bar?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
