My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
