She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
