I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
