everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Found your dick twin last night
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
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