I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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