Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
