I can text with my tongue
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
