I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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