Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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