stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
