I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Can I color on your dick again?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
