you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
