I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
